It's the same tree outside my window, but I'm watching a new group of leaves make their final plunge to the ground. Same tree, different leaves, same Chris, different life. We're both shedding for the winter. I've procrastinated some, considering I've still got all my leaves on branches, but once the winds of change really start blowing you can expect to see me as bare as they are. I'm looking forward to losing that weight. The lightness. The dismissal of as many material things as possible. A tree can live without its leaves. I know because I've lived alongside these trees for sixteen months. I've seen them lose and gain just as much as I've lost and gained. They've pushed through the elements of nature as I've pushed through the elements of the human condition. Now, arriving together in this new December, coming to the close of another full year together, we continue to mirror each other. The tree shakes its branches bare to prepare for the newness of whatever comes next, like changing outfits between scenes, and I exist only a few yards away in this bedroom doing the same thing.
But this winter is different. I don't think the trees realize this. It would be selfish of me to assume that I had any big effect on the lives of the trees, knowing that they've been here much longer than I have and that they will continue to grow after I'm gone, but I can't help but wonder if they'll notice. Someone else will take over this room. Eventually, someone else will take over this house. The trees will shed each winter and grow new leaves each spring, regardless of who is watching, regardless of what goes on around them. This is commendable. But the tree will never feel the desire to uproot itself and move (that's what seeds are for). The tree will never have to worry about choosing a career. These are human conditions, and these are the reasons that my time with these trees is coming to a close. A part of me believes that all living things are capable of sharing energy, and so a part of me believes that the trees will feel an absence, however slight, once I've moved out.
Good morning December. It's been a while.
Tomorrow morning I go to the Global Education orientation to find out more about my studying abroad plans. Details. Plane ticket information. Dates. Expectations. Words of advice. After this four-hour orientation, I meet with my group to practice our teaching demonstration, which is due Monday after the weekend. Also this weekend, I've got to wrap up work on my research paper just so I've got it out of the way (it's due on the 9th). That, plus two more tests, and this semester is done. I need to pass all my classes with a B and thankfully I'm on track for that already, but obviously there are worst case scenarios always lurking the shadows, so I'll be sure to study hard for those last tests and make sure to keep those grades up. Istanbul won't take me if I don't.
We never know what our decisions will do for the rest of our future. A tree sheds its leaves, but it's sure that new leaves will grow back. The human condition is not so simple. We shed leaves, we grow leaves, we don't know the effects of these choices. Sometimes we're so worried about the future that we hold onto our leaves for far too long, even after they've wilted. Sometimes we're too anxious and we shed our leaves before they reach their full potential. In that way, life is an alchemist's game, a mixing and blending of ideas, hopes, fears, accomplishments and failures. What part of you will you emphasize? What part will you change? What makes you happy? The tree does not have as many choices as we do. Perhaps that is a blessing. A tree is happy with every leaf. It does not wish for the leaves of others. It creates beauty with what it possesses naturally. On the other hand, the mobility and freedom of the human condition is a rare and beautiful thing. I would much rather be a human than a tree, even with all the anxiety and jealousy and hate and regret and sadness. I think the bottom-line best reason about being human is choice.
Think of the power of the choice. There wouldn't be such a thing as "the road less traveled" if we didn't have choice. We would all just be stationary trees. Instead we have this constant opportunity to turn it all around. To change things. To change ourselves. From the best to the worst case scenario, there is always a choice. The tree, in some respects, is a slave to its destiny. We, too, can sometimes feel like slaves to some higher human power (as in The Man or God), but the reality is that no one possesses control of your choices. How can they? All choices are indefinitely yours. They are manifestations of synapses firing in your brain and your brain alone. Persuasion and coercion are another thing. What you do at any given moment is entirely your responsibility.
And right now, I choose to take a shower.
After that, it's a bike ride to the light-rail station, a light-rail trip to Sac City College, a bike ride over the bridge, a donut and cup of stale coffee from Yum Yum Donuts, forty-five minutes of tutoring at Bret Harte Elementary, a bike ride to Sac City College, a light-rail trip to 16th Street, a bike ride home, a few idle minutes, a walk to the bus stop, a bus ride down J Street to Sac State, a walk to the Grad Studies Department, some idle time between then and my 4:30 class, linguistics with Professor Heather, then a bus ride home, a walk to my house and scene.
Wow, this is really good stuff.
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