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I feel like I'm on a sedative. This must be normal.

I'd call it shock, but I saw it coming.

What's crazy is how the past eight months of our friend/relationship can be compressed to one specific point of memory, like a folder in a filing cabinet tucked away in my medulla oblangata, yet the future can't be comparmentalized, it can't be predicted, and it feels like I'm just staring out at this desert landscape without a clue which direction to go next. 

In no way do I mean to downgrade my relationship with Jenny. This is more of an observation of time, the way we tried to wrap out heads around the time difference between here and South Korea and how that affected the length of Jenny's flight. I sat in my room for a while grasping with the thought of whatever comes next and came to the conclusion that even if it already feels like a dream, the first eight months of our lives together was such a rewarding, healthy, valuable experience that I can see how different I am now and how better I feel about myself compared to last October. That is astonishing.

I suppose what stunned me the most was how much I already missed her. The little details: an empty bed, a cleared-out closet, stuff missing from the bathroom, the squares left in the carpet from her luggage. A year is no small chunk of time. It might go by fast, but it's not going to feel that way until it's in retrospection.

I've found a couple notes she left hidden throughout the room. Sweet little messages that cheered me up on a tough day. Sitting with the first note in hand, I had a good cry and felt like Mario catching a mushroom, getting stronger, ascending, finally getting it. Love. This is love. This is totally possible.

All that said, I'm better now. 

I really couldn't do much of anything until around three, so I went to Old Soul to do a little writing and bumped into this kid who just got back from fishing in Alaska for the past six months. Last time I saw him was around this time last year. He was a little too indecisive and depressed about his life, so he wasn't all that fun to catch up with. Afterward, Kelly swung by after her visit to Occupy Sacramento, and she invited me to Chando's Tacos. I met her friends and ate probably the best Mexican food ever and we made plans to try the Dixon Corn Maze on Monday. Feels good to make plans and stay productive, even if everything looks a little hazy still. I finished my evening at Jenny's old apartment playing videogames with Nic, Ashley, Jake and Jeremiah. I've gotten them all hooked on "Russian Unicorn." 

Now I'm home. I rearranged the room a little bit (which is how I found so many of those notes in one afternoon) and it looks neat. Got the TV closer to the bed. Moved the bookshelf. Turned my old computer into an infinite jukebox. Brought out Holmes, the heater.

Just gonna take it easy this weekend. 

Sounds nice.

- 4,539.43