4,672.68

If I don't put it all into words, I might just explode. 

I didn't realize until today how foolish I feel for not going to Korea with her. How many chances I had to switch paths. How many times we talked about it. I don't want to think it was my decision alone that I stayed in Sacramento. There were external factors. My bank account hadn't been looking good for a while. Maybe I could've nudged enough out for a ticket, but I had debt and a lease and the Peace Corps to think about. I was focusing on Sac State. I was looking forward to finacial aid. It just felt right to pursue teaching, to commit to such a huge goal, much in the same way it felt right to fall in love with Jenny. I'm proud of the path I'm on, but I understand more now than I did before how powerful these choices are that we make for our future. Also, how significantly attached we are emotionally to the world around us, which makes big changes hard. I go outside and walk around Sacramento and it feels like a ghost town to me. I didn't know how big this was. I'm not sure I even believe that it's really happening. A little voice says she'll be back soon. In reality, she won't. We live in different days of the week. And it's because of choices I made that I'm heartbroken and homesick. I convinced myself it would be a good thing. I know, still, that we are both doing great things, but I never imagined the difference of doing them apart.  I forgot what it was like to walk with my hands in my pockets. I didn't know I'd immediately wish I'd found a way to go with her. I guess it's like getting a cut and not feeling it until you look. 

I know it's still fresh and digesting and time will pass accordingly. 

It will get easier. 

I just wanted to say that. Had to say that. 

Just be safe, have fun, live, laugh, teach, learn and know I love you.