4,044.14

10/27/11	CHKCARDJAVA CITY SACRAME CAUS		$4.31
10/27/11	CHKCARDYUM YUM DONUT FSACRAME CAUS		$2.38
10/27/11	CHKCARDPETRA GREEK SACRAME CAUS		$7.54
10/27/11	POS MIDTOWN SACRAMENTO GROSACRAMENTO CA		$8.35
10/27/11	POS SAFEWAY STORE 2684 SACRAMENTO CA		$6.55
10/27/11	GYRO 2 GO SACRAMENTO		$5.75
10/27/11	JAVA CITY SACRAMENTO		$1.51
10/27/11	EAST END SPORTS GRILL SACRAMENTO		$15.23
10/27/11	YUM YUM DONUT FRANCHISE 6SACRAMENTO		$2.38

This has to stop.

What is that, anyway? That's 54 dollars that Wells Fargo still hasn't taken out of my bank account (technically). The total still represents the end result. I'm not sure, but I think I'm burning through my money too quickly. Granted, the actual total of my "expendible income" is about $1,800, so that's still a decent amount remaining considering I'm only in Sacramento for about 3 more months. Having 54 bucks pending removal, however, with all of it spent on food or beer, is a little discomforting. I'm not trying to talk myself out of buying Uncharted 3 or anything, but part of me knows it's time to put my wallet in lock-down for a while. 

We'll see. I've said this before. 

If I'm being honest, I'd feel a lot more comfortable if I knew, officially, that Istanbul was a go-ahead. Moving ahead as if it were official, however, is probably the best thing I can do. Fill that path with positive energy. 

So far everyone has said that Istanbul is gorgeous. I've got a fair amount of warning that the University courses will be demanding, so I'm raising the intensity bar as high as I can imagine so as not to be overwhelmed when the homework starts. I'm expecting nine chapters to read out of ten different textbooks and fifteen blank Word documents that need to become essays by ten o'clock tonight. But I want that. I want to be a cunning linguist. Had to say it, but it's true. 

The burn on my arm is healing, looking less and less like a zombie bite every day. 

Screenplay's coming together nicely. Still so proud of the idea that I want to keep it a secret, which is hard because a few people already know.

Jenny's doing good. Teaching little Korean kids how to speak English. Moving into a new apartment. Getting a new phone. Making friends. Doing yoga. Eating noodles. It's a real treat, this experience with her. It's still rough around the edges. I still miss her a lot and each Skype session is all the more a blessing and a curse as time goes on. It's been about a month already. I think one thought that helps me the most is erasing the concept of time and realizing that despite geographical distance we are still coexisting simultaneously, therefore our thoughts are coexisting and so when we think of each other we think about each other together.

Tutoring's going well. Kaycee says that Anonymous Kid* says good things about me. It meant a lot to hear that and I think knowing that made me really start to care about the kid. Makes me invest in whether on not AK understands when I know he wants to. Whatever you want to call that tutoring I did with PS7 not too long ago was nothing like this. Reading Partners has really created something where the tutoring matters. 

*I signed a thing that said I'd keep AK's name private. 

Bonfire was dramatically mellow. Iven, Kelly, Andy, Daniel, Mike, Patsy, Drew and some friend of Mike's. Plenty of beer. I felt good and had a good time talking with everyone. It was nice to catch up with Patsy, who's stuck baby-sitting another huge project involving tax documents or something she's not all that psyched about. Hearing about her job confirmed the fact that I've entered the adult world. I listen to people talk about their military experience. People talk about huge life changes. Sometimes they talk about 90's cartoons they used to love. Sometimes we talk about music or movies or super-powers. I look around at all these semi-strangers and friends growing up around me and realize that we're all teammates against the world, embracing our simultaneous coexistence, sharing the now.

Bottom line: I got an 85% on my linguistics test, dropped off my advisement form with the head of the English department for signatures, taught AK how to spell circus and center, held the door open for a stranger or two, added a character to my screenplay, Skyped with my girlfriend, listened to the Rolling Stones and stayed up late to celebrate insomnia. 

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Passport: $137.20

In four-to-six weeks I'll be travel-ready. It'll be nice to have a passport with a new photograph that doesn't feature me at 13 with a mouth full of braces and a Dennis The Menace haircut. 

Spent the weekend in Truckee. 

Highlights: Finished the first half of the rough draft of my research paper, got fed, drank wine, watched Bridesmaids and Halloween with the family, saw a lot of trees and tasted fresh air. 

Lowlights: Seared my arm on the edge of the furnace door, heard an earful of family drama, the Raiders were destroyed, had to come back to the city life. 

On the 7th of November I've got a physical scheduled at 8:45 in the morning at Sac State. This, plus some annoying course-work paperwork, is all I've got left between me and Istanbul. I guess I still need official confirmation from Bogazici University, too... But I'd say it's at least 80% green-lighted at this point, barring any more earthquakes or Kurdish skirmishes. I'm pretty much putting all my eggs into the Turkey basket at this point.

Also heard that Uncharted 3 was the best game of all time. Comes out Monday, the same day of the Phantogram show. I'm calling that "Chris' Day."

Gotta thank Kelly for helping me treat my burnt arm and putting together Kick-Back Mondays. I've certainly become less social since Jenny left, so it's nice to have scheduled events like this and the Bonfire where I get to hang out with people. Jesse and Sergio are good people, too. It's too bad we never made it out to the corn maze. 

Things were dark and rough for a while there and a positive e-mail from Jenny really brought me back above the surface. Thank you for that. Long distance is hard. Everyone seems to get that intuitively, but to experience it is another beast entirely. She got her cell-phone so we can message each other any time of the day, rather than waiting for Skype time. I can send her pictures. It's nice to still stay so connected. When I'm in Turkey, I'll be ten hours closer to her. 

For NaNoWriMo I'm going to write a screenplay. 

Now I'm off to Bret Harte Elementary for 45 minutes of tutoring. After that it's a linguistics test. After that... Who knows? 

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Here's a conundrum. 

How can it feel like everything sucks when you know everything's good? 

My grades are good. I haven't missed any class. I've got enough money to survive for a couple months. I'm applying for a passport as preparation for studying abroad. I get to sleep in and stay up late. I've started tutoring a 3rd grader twice a week. I'm piecing things together. 

But there's something else, and I can't shake it.

I miss Jenny. As if that wasn't obvious. I miss her a lot. It's not easy going from a summer attached at the hip to a winter an ocean apart. In fact it kind of sucks. Skype makes it easy to see her face and hear her laugh and view her world, but it's certainly not the same. The lack of physical contact is the least of my worries. It's the lack of real eye contact and energy connection. When you're in a room with someone, you can look them in the eyes and you can feel their presence, feelings that are impossible to reproduce over the internet. This is why communication has been ultimately disappointing. While I am glad to hear her voice and find out about her day, it turns to heartache and yearning when those video-calls end and leave me wanting more. 

And that sucks because that's all we have, for now. 

I walk around my life and try to focus on the good, including, even, the fact that I'm in love and a better man because of it, the fact that I have an awesome girlfriend doing awesome things in South Korea, the fact that I possess a love that not everyone has a chance to experience. 

I can't imagine what she's going through and I know it's been a tough adjustment. I want to stay positive and happy for her so when she calls after a rough day, I'm there for her. I will always be there for her, regardless, I just need to figure out how to feel normal again. Nothing has felt the same since she left. In Jenny's blog she mentioned a need to let the past be the past and focus on the present. I'm trying. I'm totally trying. The present just kinda sucks without her. 

4,337.50

I can't spend any more money for a while.

4,421.62

Turned in my official application for studying abroad today. 

Slept through a dentist appointment.

Contemplated the state of humanity with Jenny.

Went on a photo walk.

Had coffee at Broadacre with Jake. 

Worked on my research paper.

The end.

4,442.84

If there's one thing I've learned already, it's the value of true love.

Next, it's the knowledge that it's not a race. 

Success is hardly the purpose of life. 

I stop and realize sometimes that it's our own system to which we forfeit such freedoms as housing and food and education to these aggrandized corporations that sell them as goods that require us to work for a living. Heaven forbid we miss a credit card payment. Some think hell is the epitome of eternal suffering. I'm not scared of hell. I'm scared of debt, which is game-over in this society, and way worse than an imaginary pit of fire. 

That said, it certainly sucks to the be hearing the howl of debt collectors on the dark horizon. They'll pounce from the shadow the moment I trip up.

Life is listening to Bon Iver vinyl.

Life is smoking on the windowsill. 

But the future is anything. It really is. 

I can't fathom the amount of different people I've met in my life. How many characters there are. How many personalities there are, how they interact, how they click and how they crash. I've become aware of the way we're all responsible for shaping reality. We're all on the same team and hopefully one day we'll recognize that. We're all in this together.

What amazes me about people is how much there is to learn from them, how to watch the ebb and flow of energy and how to discover what influences changes. I've learned that happiness is all that anyone wants, ever, no matter what they're doing. We cross paths but are always on our own because one person's happiness is never the same as another's. Since no two people seek happiness in the same fashion, coexisting gets difficult when it gets crowded. But I still think it's possible to be the change you want to see the world, so I've live my life 100% coexistable.

I learn the most when watching happiness happen. Hearing laughter. Even hearing about happiness is enlightening. Everyone's got a good story to tell about a time when their life was just really fucking awesome. It's those stories that I want to hear. It's those highlights that I want to learn about. How did they do it? Where can I try that in my own life? Everyone I meet and connect with is a hero to me, someone I look up to, confide in, learn from and love.

Life is being naked.

Life is at the beach. 

Every experience teaches.

It's all wonderful, really. From my socks to the clouds in the sky, just beautiful, this thing called life. I wish I knew if there was actually one entity responsible for all of this because I'd really like to shake their hand. Fantastic work, whoever you are. 

It's totally true that humans haven't really gotten their shit together yet. We're pretty close, but it's not gonna happen any time soon. There's still a lot of bad decisions and worse luck going on in this world. Bad things still happen to good people. Like Forest Gump said, "Shit happens."

I'm okay with that. I'll do what I can, but it's out of my control.

I'm all about string theory chaos shit. I wish the world was a little less violent, but we're still just a bunch of dumb animals, no more random than the behavior of a pack of wolves. Except we have guns and a billion different languages and stubborn egos. We might never stop fighting. There's always gonna be one guy who wants to be Alpha. 

Love is string theory chaos at its best.

You find love, you tie that string around your wrist and never take it off. 

I know that money can't buy happiness. 

I know that money's still important.

"It's hard to remember you're alive for the first time / It's hard to remember you're alive for the last time." Modest Mouse.

I know it's not a race. 

This is the pursuit of happiness. It doesn't get any simpler. Happiness for me is exploration. It's making big decisions. It's taking the stairs instead of the escalator. It's facing challenges enthusiastically despite feeling sometimes like I'm trying to intimidate the ocean with a straw. We are meant to try and succeed or try and fail. We don't wake up every day for no reason. Those hours are gift. Use them.

Maybe this sentiment will change as age slips by, but for the most part I like to think I've got my life philosophy figured out. It's very much a do-unto-others view of the world. 

Oh, and don't forget to smell the roses. 

That's more important than you think.

Life is the morning after rain.

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My favorite thing right now.

Even more than my new desk.

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If I don't put it all into words, I might just explode. 

I didn't realize until today how foolish I feel for not going to Korea with her. How many chances I had to switch paths. How many times we talked about it. I don't want to think it was my decision alone that I stayed in Sacramento. There were external factors. My bank account hadn't been looking good for a while. Maybe I could've nudged enough out for a ticket, but I had debt and a lease and the Peace Corps to think about. I was focusing on Sac State. I was looking forward to finacial aid. It just felt right to pursue teaching, to commit to such a huge goal, much in the same way it felt right to fall in love with Jenny. I'm proud of the path I'm on, but I understand more now than I did before how powerful these choices are that we make for our future. Also, how significantly attached we are emotionally to the world around us, which makes big changes hard. I go outside and walk around Sacramento and it feels like a ghost town to me. I didn't know how big this was. I'm not sure I even believe that it's really happening. A little voice says she'll be back soon. In reality, she won't. We live in different days of the week. And it's because of choices I made that I'm heartbroken and homesick. I convinced myself it would be a good thing. I know, still, that we are both doing great things, but I never imagined the difference of doing them apart.  I forgot what it was like to walk with my hands in my pockets. I didn't know I'd immediately wish I'd found a way to go with her. I guess it's like getting a cut and not feeling it until you look. 

I know it's still fresh and digesting and time will pass accordingly. 

It will get easier. 

I just wanted to say that. Had to say that. 

Just be safe, have fun, live, laugh, teach, learn and know I love you.

4,698.02

E-mail contact with Jenny. She's confronting culture shock but handling it pretty well, which is good to hear. I think it's the afternoon in South Korea right now. She was having breakfast tomorrow when she sent me the e-mail I read as the sun was going down. That makes sense.

Took some photos of the room. 

Spent some of the afternoon at Old Soul looking over all the articles I found for my research paper. Today I learned that the money spent on higher education far exceeds what is statistically necessary to spend on students' education. The cost of educating is not expensive. It's the dorms, the administration costs, the research and the campus events that lead universities to asking for hundreds of thousands of additional funds, an increasing amount every year, which is leading to tuition hikes and what could turn into an "education bubble" when the enrollment drops and a trillion dollars of debt is never repaid. I'm not under the impression that it's cheap to pay the staff of any college and I certainly think most of their role on campus serves a valuable purpose. I don't know what to make of this new information I'm digesting for this research paper, but I get the impression from the teacher that I better know my shit before I turn it in.

Got a TB test at The Effort, probably my biggest achievement of the day, and I've got to come back on Monday to see the results. Lady stuck some chemical in my arm that looked like a big spider bite (until the swelling disappeared). Not a big fan of injections. I can do 'em just fine, but I always feels a little off-centered afterward.

UPS was charging 57 dollars for a fingerprinting, so I said, "Ya'll are nazis," and left. 

Tomorrow Jake and I are going to go get fingerprinted at a place charging 12 bucks. I was gonna just take the bus out there but Jake's got a car and he's gotta get them for the same reason as me. Reading Partners starts on Tuesday. 

It's been two weeks since leaving Old Soul so it was convenient I stopped by today because there was a check for me in the back, almost two-hundred bucks from my last couple days on shift. A nice surprise. I split my account into EXPENDABLE and RENT accounts and put aside 2,000 for rent only, which gets me to February. Leaves me roughly 2,700 of actual spending money. I can't figure out how much of that will automatically go to bills, or food or things. My motto is going to be: as little as possible, unless I feel like it.