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Turned in my official application for studying abroad today. 

Slept through a dentist appointment.

Contemplated the state of humanity with Jenny.

Went on a photo walk.

Had coffee at Broadacre with Jake. 

Worked on my research paper.

The end.

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If there's one thing I've learned already, it's the value of true love.

Next, it's the knowledge that it's not a race. 

Success is hardly the purpose of life. 

I stop and realize sometimes that it's our own system to which we forfeit such freedoms as housing and food and education to these aggrandized corporations that sell them as goods that require us to work for a living. Heaven forbid we miss a credit card payment. Some think hell is the epitome of eternal suffering. I'm not scared of hell. I'm scared of debt, which is game-over in this society, and way worse than an imaginary pit of fire. 

That said, it certainly sucks to the be hearing the howl of debt collectors on the dark horizon. They'll pounce from the shadow the moment I trip up.

Life is listening to Bon Iver vinyl.

Life is smoking on the windowsill. 

But the future is anything. It really is. 

I can't fathom the amount of different people I've met in my life. How many characters there are. How many personalities there are, how they interact, how they click and how they crash. I've become aware of the way we're all responsible for shaping reality. We're all on the same team and hopefully one day we'll recognize that. We're all in this together.

What amazes me about people is how much there is to learn from them, how to watch the ebb and flow of energy and how to discover what influences changes. I've learned that happiness is all that anyone wants, ever, no matter what they're doing. We cross paths but are always on our own because one person's happiness is never the same as another's. Since no two people seek happiness in the same fashion, coexisting gets difficult when it gets crowded. But I still think it's possible to be the change you want to see the world, so I've live my life 100% coexistable.

I learn the most when watching happiness happen. Hearing laughter. Even hearing about happiness is enlightening. Everyone's got a good story to tell about a time when their life was just really fucking awesome. It's those stories that I want to hear. It's those highlights that I want to learn about. How did they do it? Where can I try that in my own life? Everyone I meet and connect with is a hero to me, someone I look up to, confide in, learn from and love.

Life is being naked.

Life is at the beach. 

Every experience teaches.

It's all wonderful, really. From my socks to the clouds in the sky, just beautiful, this thing called life. I wish I knew if there was actually one entity responsible for all of this because I'd really like to shake their hand. Fantastic work, whoever you are. 

It's totally true that humans haven't really gotten their shit together yet. We're pretty close, but it's not gonna happen any time soon. There's still a lot of bad decisions and worse luck going on in this world. Bad things still happen to good people. Like Forest Gump said, "Shit happens."

I'm okay with that. I'll do what I can, but it's out of my control.

I'm all about string theory chaos shit. I wish the world was a little less violent, but we're still just a bunch of dumb animals, no more random than the behavior of a pack of wolves. Except we have guns and a billion different languages and stubborn egos. We might never stop fighting. There's always gonna be one guy who wants to be Alpha. 

Love is string theory chaos at its best.

You find love, you tie that string around your wrist and never take it off. 

I know that money can't buy happiness. 

I know that money's still important.

"It's hard to remember you're alive for the first time / It's hard to remember you're alive for the last time." Modest Mouse.

I know it's not a race. 

This is the pursuit of happiness. It doesn't get any simpler. Happiness for me is exploration. It's making big decisions. It's taking the stairs instead of the escalator. It's facing challenges enthusiastically despite feeling sometimes like I'm trying to intimidate the ocean with a straw. We are meant to try and succeed or try and fail. We don't wake up every day for no reason. Those hours are gift. Use them.

Maybe this sentiment will change as age slips by, but for the most part I like to think I've got my life philosophy figured out. It's very much a do-unto-others view of the world. 

Oh, and don't forget to smell the roses. 

That's more important than you think.

Life is the morning after rain.

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My favorite thing right now.

Even more than my new desk.

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If I don't put it all into words, I might just explode. 

I didn't realize until today how foolish I feel for not going to Korea with her. How many chances I had to switch paths. How many times we talked about it. I don't want to think it was my decision alone that I stayed in Sacramento. There were external factors. My bank account hadn't been looking good for a while. Maybe I could've nudged enough out for a ticket, but I had debt and a lease and the Peace Corps to think about. I was focusing on Sac State. I was looking forward to finacial aid. It just felt right to pursue teaching, to commit to such a huge goal, much in the same way it felt right to fall in love with Jenny. I'm proud of the path I'm on, but I understand more now than I did before how powerful these choices are that we make for our future. Also, how significantly attached we are emotionally to the world around us, which makes big changes hard. I go outside and walk around Sacramento and it feels like a ghost town to me. I didn't know how big this was. I'm not sure I even believe that it's really happening. A little voice says she'll be back soon. In reality, she won't. We live in different days of the week. And it's because of choices I made that I'm heartbroken and homesick. I convinced myself it would be a good thing. I know, still, that we are both doing great things, but I never imagined the difference of doing them apart.  I forgot what it was like to walk with my hands in my pockets. I didn't know I'd immediately wish I'd found a way to go with her. I guess it's like getting a cut and not feeling it until you look. 

I know it's still fresh and digesting and time will pass accordingly. 

It will get easier. 

I just wanted to say that. Had to say that. 

Just be safe, have fun, live, laugh, teach, learn and know I love you.

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E-mail contact with Jenny. She's confronting culture shock but handling it pretty well, which is good to hear. I think it's the afternoon in South Korea right now. She was having breakfast tomorrow when she sent me the e-mail I read as the sun was going down. That makes sense.

Took some photos of the room. 

Spent some of the afternoon at Old Soul looking over all the articles I found for my research paper. Today I learned that the money spent on higher education far exceeds what is statistically necessary to spend on students' education. The cost of educating is not expensive. It's the dorms, the administration costs, the research and the campus events that lead universities to asking for hundreds of thousands of additional funds, an increasing amount every year, which is leading to tuition hikes and what could turn into an "education bubble" when the enrollment drops and a trillion dollars of debt is never repaid. I'm not under the impression that it's cheap to pay the staff of any college and I certainly think most of their role on campus serves a valuable purpose. I don't know what to make of this new information I'm digesting for this research paper, but I get the impression from the teacher that I better know my shit before I turn it in.

Got a TB test at The Effort, probably my biggest achievement of the day, and I've got to come back on Monday to see the results. Lady stuck some chemical in my arm that looked like a big spider bite (until the swelling disappeared). Not a big fan of injections. I can do 'em just fine, but I always feels a little off-centered afterward.

UPS was charging 57 dollars for a fingerprinting, so I said, "Ya'll are nazis," and left. 

Tomorrow Jake and I are going to go get fingerprinted at a place charging 12 bucks. I was gonna just take the bus out there but Jake's got a car and he's gotta get them for the same reason as me. Reading Partners starts on Tuesday. 

It's been two weeks since leaving Old Soul so it was convenient I stopped by today because there was a check for me in the back, almost two-hundred bucks from my last couple days on shift. A nice surprise. I split my account into EXPENDABLE and RENT accounts and put aside 2,000 for rent only, which gets me to February. Leaves me roughly 2,700 of actual spending money. I can't figure out how much of that will automatically go to bills, or food or things. My motto is going to be: as little as possible, unless I feel like it. 

 

 

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I feel like I'm on a sedative. This must be normal.

I'd call it shock, but I saw it coming.

What's crazy is how the past eight months of our friend/relationship can be compressed to one specific point of memory, like a folder in a filing cabinet tucked away in my medulla oblangata, yet the future can't be comparmentalized, it can't be predicted, and it feels like I'm just staring out at this desert landscape without a clue which direction to go next. 

In no way do I mean to downgrade my relationship with Jenny. This is more of an observation of time, the way we tried to wrap out heads around the time difference between here and South Korea and how that affected the length of Jenny's flight. I sat in my room for a while grasping with the thought of whatever comes next and came to the conclusion that even if it already feels like a dream, the first eight months of our lives together was such a rewarding, healthy, valuable experience that I can see how different I am now and how better I feel about myself compared to last October. That is astonishing.

I suppose what stunned me the most was how much I already missed her. The little details: an empty bed, a cleared-out closet, stuff missing from the bathroom, the squares left in the carpet from her luggage. A year is no small chunk of time. It might go by fast, but it's not going to feel that way until it's in retrospection.

I've found a couple notes she left hidden throughout the room. Sweet little messages that cheered me up on a tough day. Sitting with the first note in hand, I had a good cry and felt like Mario catching a mushroom, getting stronger, ascending, finally getting it. Love. This is love. This is totally possible.

All that said, I'm better now. 

I really couldn't do much of anything until around three, so I went to Old Soul to do a little writing and bumped into this kid who just got back from fishing in Alaska for the past six months. Last time I saw him was around this time last year. He was a little too indecisive and depressed about his life, so he wasn't all that fun to catch up with. Afterward, Kelly swung by after her visit to Occupy Sacramento, and she invited me to Chando's Tacos. I met her friends and ate probably the best Mexican food ever and we made plans to try the Dixon Corn Maze on Monday. Feels good to make plans and stay productive, even if everything looks a little hazy still. I finished my evening at Jenny's old apartment playing videogames with Nic, Ashley, Jake and Jeremiah. I've gotten them all hooked on "Russian Unicorn." 

Now I'm home. I rearranged the room a little bit (which is how I found so many of those notes in one afternoon) and it looks neat. Got the TV closer to the bed. Moved the bookshelf. Turned my old computer into an infinite jukebox. Brought out Holmes, the heater.

Just gonna take it easy this weekend. 

Sounds nice.

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There's really not a whole lot to say. There's certainly a whole lot to feel. I'm facing a goodbye that will permanently change things. That's a tough one to swallow. I'm not worried. I'm actually really excited about it. I'm proud of Jenny and happy she has this opportunity to travel and teach and learn. I'm happy we had this summer together and I'm content with our long-distance plans. Life is short and it's hard to remember you only get one, so if we aren't taking big risks like this, then why bother? 

Meanwhile, I've got an interview with Global Education on Monday as part of my application to the TESOL program in Istanbul. I've got to touch up on my knowledge of Turkish politics and current events, of which I have none, because that'll come up during the interview. From what little research I've done so far, it sounds like Turkey is pretty goddamn awesome. Istanbul has a population of more than 13 million people. Sacramento has 1 million. It's mostly Muslim, they speak Turkish, the government is democratic, the economy is highly-ranked, they've got high-speed rail and a strong military presence. It looks beautiful. 

The day after that, I'm scheduled for a Shadow Session with a Reading Partners tutor at Bret Harte Elementary. This'll lead to some tutoring experience. That'll be good. 

Money's dwindling, slowly but surely. Today's rent payment took out a big chunk. I'm sure the decline will balance out after Jenny leaves because I've neglected my financial concerns during her last few weeks in Sacramento. I'll take money more seriously when it's just me. Plus I'm pretty secure, rent-wise, until February, which is when my studying-abroad would begin and financial aid gets processed. Honestly the big concern is unforeseen expenses, which, as of now, remain unforeseen. 

Tomorrow is Jenny's last day in the United States. 

I'm at a loss for words. 

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