4,539.43

I feel like I'm on a sedative. This must be normal.

I'd call it shock, but I saw it coming.

What's crazy is how the past eight months of our friend/relationship can be compressed to one specific point of memory, like a folder in a filing cabinet tucked away in my medulla oblangata, yet the future can't be comparmentalized, it can't be predicted, and it feels like I'm just staring out at this desert landscape without a clue which direction to go next. 

In no way do I mean to downgrade my relationship with Jenny. This is more of an observation of time, the way we tried to wrap out heads around the time difference between here and South Korea and how that affected the length of Jenny's flight. I sat in my room for a while grasping with the thought of whatever comes next and came to the conclusion that even if it already feels like a dream, the first eight months of our lives together was such a rewarding, healthy, valuable experience that I can see how different I am now and how better I feel about myself compared to last October. That is astonishing.

I suppose what stunned me the most was how much I already missed her. The little details: an empty bed, a cleared-out closet, stuff missing from the bathroom, the squares left in the carpet from her luggage. A year is no small chunk of time. It might go by fast, but it's not going to feel that way until it's in retrospection.

I've found a couple notes she left hidden throughout the room. Sweet little messages that cheered me up on a tough day. Sitting with the first note in hand, I had a good cry and felt like Mario catching a mushroom, getting stronger, ascending, finally getting it. Love. This is love. This is totally possible.

All that said, I'm better now. 

I really couldn't do much of anything until around three, so I went to Old Soul to do a little writing and bumped into this kid who just got back from fishing in Alaska for the past six months. Last time I saw him was around this time last year. He was a little too indecisive and depressed about his life, so he wasn't all that fun to catch up with. Afterward, Kelly swung by after her visit to Occupy Sacramento, and she invited me to Chando's Tacos. I met her friends and ate probably the best Mexican food ever and we made plans to try the Dixon Corn Maze on Monday. Feels good to make plans and stay productive, even if everything looks a little hazy still. I finished my evening at Jenny's old apartment playing videogames with Nic, Ashley, Jake and Jeremiah. I've gotten them all hooked on "Russian Unicorn." 

Now I'm home. I rearranged the room a little bit (which is how I found so many of those notes in one afternoon) and it looks neat. Got the TV closer to the bed. Moved the bookshelf. Turned my old computer into an infinite jukebox. Brought out Holmes, the heater.

Just gonna take it easy this weekend. 

Sounds nice.

- 4,539.43

4,635.75

There's really not a whole lot to say. There's certainly a whole lot to feel. I'm facing a goodbye that will permanently change things. That's a tough one to swallow. I'm not worried. I'm actually really excited about it. I'm proud of Jenny and happy she has this opportunity to travel and teach and learn. I'm happy we had this summer together and I'm content with our long-distance plans. Life is short and it's hard to remember you only get one, so if we aren't taking big risks like this, then why bother? 

Meanwhile, I've got an interview with Global Education on Monday as part of my application to the TESOL program in Istanbul. I've got to touch up on my knowledge of Turkish politics and current events, of which I have none, because that'll come up during the interview. From what little research I've done so far, it sounds like Turkey is pretty goddamn awesome. Istanbul has a population of more than 13 million people. Sacramento has 1 million. It's mostly Muslim, they speak Turkish, the government is democratic, the economy is highly-ranked, they've got high-speed rail and a strong military presence. It looks beautiful. 

The day after that, I'm scheduled for a Shadow Session with a Reading Partners tutor at Bret Harte Elementary. This'll lead to some tutoring experience. That'll be good. 

Money's dwindling, slowly but surely. Today's rent payment took out a big chunk. I'm sure the decline will balance out after Jenny leaves because I've neglected my financial concerns during her last few weeks in Sacramento. I'll take money more seriously when it's just me. Plus I'm pretty secure, rent-wise, until February, which is when my studying-abroad would begin and financial aid gets processed. Honestly the big concern is unforeseen expenses, which, as of now, remain unforeseen. 

Tomorrow is Jenny's last day in the United States. 

I'm at a loss for words. 

4,635.75

5,299.11

And now for something completely different. Sort of.

Yesterday I decided to put the Peace Corps on hold and apply to study abroad in Istanbul next semester. To do this, I needed two teacher recommendations, a transcript from SSU, a one-page essay explaining why I want to go, an eight-dollar check and a completed application. The deadline is tomorrow. With two days to gather all of these things, I wasted no time and was able to turn in my application today before my linguistics class.

Istanbul. 

To be fair, I still need to complete an interview and sit down with an adviser, but I got the hard part out of the way, and in record time. Both Helt and Clark were encouraging and happy to fill out recommendations, even though we pretty much just met. It helped that I scored 96/100 on Clark's first grammar test. In my essay I hinted at things like "language immersion" and the value of experiencing alternate cultures. True stuff. I'm super excited. 

The Peace Corps will always be there. Plus this buys me a bunch of time to take care of my teeth without cramming three extractions and eleven cavity removals into one month, which is what I would have to do if I want to send out my documents within their recommended 9-12 month window. I figure I can finish the TESOL program like everyone else and apply for the Peace Corps again when I'm well-prepared and ready. 

In other news, Jenny and I are cramming in a few last-minute activities together before she leaves next Thursday. Rock-climbing, salsa dancing... She attended her last bonfire last night, a mellow one, and we were able to arrange carpools to go to the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival tomorrow.

School is going well. Unemployment is going well. 

I wrote a short story. 

5,347.22

Two paychecks [Old Soul]: 1,006.60

Dinner [Zen Sushi]: 21.55

Bill [Netflix]: 15.09

Fun [records]: 8.46

Breakfast [Noah's Bagels]: 13.58

Lunch [Gyro 2 Go]: 5.75

Dinner [Grocery Outlet]: 5.92

It hasn't sunk in yet. Well, it has, in small moments of clarity, but for the most part, he still has no idea what he's getting himself into. He worked his last shift at Old Soul on Friday. That final hour, the longest hour of his life. He clocked out, said a few goodbyes, grabbed his paycheck and left the building. He vowed to never work in a coffee-shop again. 

The free-fall begins. 

He's in love with a girl who's moving to South Korea for a year and she leaves in less than two weeks. He's going to grad school to follow the TESOL Program into the Peace Corps. He's got some dental work to take care of. A friend of his wants to get an apartment with him, and soon. There's no plan for getting another job and the only plan is to not have to get one. The plan is to volunteer at schools and write more and submit things and do more of the stuff he wanted to do all along.

Admittedly, he spends too much money, money he won't be getting back. 

To be fair, when your girlfriend is about to leave the country, you care fuck-all about what you spend your money on so long as it affords you good memories for now. Little things here and there. A night out. A few cheap records. Lunch. Breakfast. A bottle of wine. 

Netflix charges him sixteen bucks for a DVD. 

He still hasn't cancelled Xbox-Live.

In the meantime, he's been making a handful of short movies with his girlfriend. Not those kinds of movies, but cute little videos that will matter more to him in a few months than he can even imagine right now. Captured memories, with a soundtrack. Plus it's a free activity to do together. 

He's put 1000 dollars aside purely for the next two months rent, which is how much he made from Old Soul's last two paychecks. That's ghost money. It's dead to him. After that, rent will be cut from the real meat of the bank-account, and that'll hurt a little more. 

So maybe he'll get smart. Find alternate income. Learn to pick pockets. Who knows? All that's certain is his girlfriend is leaving, homework will be due, bills will continue and the weather will change. He is hopeful. He might be naive. Right now, he doesn't care.

4,414.09

Batteries and milk [Grocery Outlet]: $11.14

Nothing much to say. Kind of in a somber mood, knowing tomorrow's my last day at Old Soul. It's a time of retrospection. Introspection. Goodbyes and good riddances. What will happen next? What opportunities await me beyond the espresso machine? It's time to get serious about finding my niche in this big crazy world. 

4,414.09

4,425.23

CareCredit Payment: $30 

Mocha, with tip @ school: $5 (cash)

Stuff from Office Max: $7.83 (cash)

Breakfast @ Old Soul: $2.00 (cash)

Soda before class: $1.50 (cash)

So I forget sometimes that the "pending" information doesn't subtract from the Account Total, so I found ten more dollars missing today when I saw that everything had gone through. Obviously not a huge deal at this point, but a frown-inducing discovery nonetheless. The good news is I got 33 bucks in tips today. 

Also got some good advice from my buddy Sean about how I should break down my spending habits. He gave me a monthly-spending total of about 200 bucks for food and entertainment, which seems like more than enough. There are a lot of variables that probably affect that total (dental costs, health care, Uncharted 3, things I can't even imagine...) but it's nice to have a rough number. Thank you Sean. 

I gave Iven my old car. 

I'm also proud of myself for eating leftover pizza for dinner instead of going to Crepeville. That's ten bucks saved and an Italian made happy. 

I called Blue Shield to ask about insurance and the lady sent me to temporaryplans.com, since I'm only looking for a quick fix, but most of those plans aren't available in California. What's up with California and not wanting me to be healthy? So that's still a work in progress. At least I was able to send out my Netflix DVD before they charged me twenty bucks for Glengary Glen Ross. 

Just so I don't forget, there's a CATESOL meeting at Round Table (free dinner!) on Friday, followed by a house-warming party at Landon's. Then there's the Reading Partners orientation at Old Soul on Saturday, followed by a house-warming gathering at Melissa's (free cake!). And next week I'm unemployed.

4,425.23

4,435.23

Two tickets to see Drive: $20 

Bottle of red wine from Gross Out: $4.30
X-Box Live: $9.99

Three beers and a bag of chips, plus tip @ Mr. Pickles: $13 (cash)

A coffee and an americano @ Old Soul: $2 (cash)

I didn't mention last time that I have 60 bucks of cold-hard cash stored in a bible in my bookshelf, plus about eight bucks in my wallet and whatever amount of tips I gather from my last three shifts at Old Soul (which should be about 60, minimum). So that's all obviously going to be the first of my income to disappear in the coming weeks, but it's still a nice cushion to start with. Maybe I'll save that for my inevitable desperate trip to Thunder Valley Casino after I learn how to count cards. 

My account dropped twenty pounds from a trip to the movies with Jenny and Jake, but I loved the movie from start to finish, so it was totally worth it. My companions didn't seem so impressed, however, but I think this is one of those movies where you need to know what you're getting into, otherwise watching Ryan Gosling smash a guy's face to a pulp will be a little too shocking. 

Spent part of Sunday doing homework and laundry. Spent the other bit going to an open-house on 16th Street to look at a place with Iven and Andy. Really beat-up house, honestly, but it's got good potential. Needs some work. Probably won't be filling out the application, even though the rent is cheap and the location's not bad. Still nice to be proactive with the house-searching. It'll happen, sooner than later. 

Meredith called, asked me about the vibe at Old Soul, told me she was reluctant to go back to working there. I told her I could understand. I wouldn't want to go back there after spending six weeks in Peru. Anyway, she's got her reiki healing business to keep her afloat. It was good to hear her voice, glad to know she's back home safe.

Tomorrow I need to call Blue Shield about health insurance. Sounds like super fun time. I also need to cancel X-Box Live, once and for all, because I haven't played anything online in months. That's ten wasted dollars.

I've got three shifts left at Old Soul and then the adventure really begins.

4,435.23